Clinton Portis is an idiot.

Theiner, I thought you were staying away....

...from our fields. After calling you a General Douche, and you calling me out on it, I thought that we agreed that you'd stay away. Instead, you were playing first base tonight, gunning the ball at the girls on my team and telling them to fuck off, then starting shit with our shortstop by saying "you thought you had a shutout--NO ONE SHUTS US OUT". Were you upset that your team only scored one run against us? Or that we put up 17 on you? Either way, this abuse and harassment needs to stop. Playoffs start next week, and I hope you stay away from us because, although very comical, it's mildly irritating. Thanks.

*sniff*

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Win, Score

Hey, the bats woke up! It was real nice to see the ball flying around Miller Park last night, and it was nicer to be on the right side of it. Jeff Cirillo had a sweet return to Milwaukee with a triple and a home run. The most glaring side effect of last night's, and this season in general, is the fact that Torii Hunter is gone after this year, maybe even during it. Another 4 RBIs last night, courtesy of a grand slam, pretty much sealed the deal.

We're gonna wi--; we're gonna sco--

Yee-owch. Thanks, Twins, for putting it in my face how little I know about Major League Baseball. While everyone liked Cleveland as the upstart, trendy pick to win the Central Division/Wild Card, I scoffed, because we'd been hearing this rhetoric for the past 5 years. "How are they any different now?" I wondered.

After this past week's 3-game sweep, I think I know the answer:

Fausto Carmona.

"Who?"

In case you don't remember (and even if you do), the Cleveland Indians traded their top closer, Bob Wickman, to the Braves last season due to having Carmona waiting in the wings. Used primarily as a set-up man for Wickman, Carmona had great success with a fastball that looked like it was fired from a grenade launcher, and a good sinker. Once Wickman left, the Indians moved Carmona into the closer's role. The result? 1-10 record, 5.42 ERA, 0 saves.

This year, unwilling to give up on a young kid with a 98-mph heater, the Indians moved him into the starting rotation, hoping that he could learn something from guys like C.C. Sabathia and Cliff Lee. The result? 5-1 record, 2.55 ERA, and leading candidate for Comeback Player of the Year.

My question is: what happened? The Twins beat him twice last year in the 8th inning or later, rocking him for doubles to the gap and home runs. This year? Four scattered hits this last game. He's beaten Johan Santana twice. Name another pitcher who's done that!

Speaking of Santana, how fed up can you be if you're him right now? Here's his line from yesterday's game:

• 7IP, 4H, 2R, 11K

Seriously?!?! That's not enough to put your team in position to win a game? The 7 runs scored on Tuesday night were cute, but a little unneccesary, considering the staff gave up a whopping 15. Two home runs by Morneausie were cute, but where were they in crunch-time yesterday while trying to avoid a sweep? I understand that Carmona was pitching out of his mind yesterday, but that was unacceptable from a defending division champion.

It's never really a good thing when people die....

...but I can't say that I'm too broken up about the loss of Jerry Falwell. Now we don't have to hear that 9/11 was stemmed from the gays, lesbians, and trannies of the world. And "The People vs. Larry Flynt" becomes that much more relevant. Oh well, here's to his family anyway.

Put it on the booooaaaarrrrdddd, YES!

We ground-out a nice win last night, over some squad inappropriately named "The Mad Catz". Substitute "z" for "s", and you deserve to lose. The guy playing third base for them was a treat. He had a great arm, was uber-competitive, and most importantly, was wearing a McDonald's Basketball Jersey. Intense. At one point he passed on 5 straight pitches, then popped out when he got the perfect one. Giant Douche. Anyway, I went 1-2 with a single and a run scored. Nothing major. Good times, though, Angry Dragon-style. Oh, and I bowled a 232 single game, and a 595 series, in Silver Strike Bowling at Al's. No big deal.

We Drink Left-Handed...

...because we got our first notch in the win column last night. Balls Deep won 15-1. I went 0-2 with a walk at the plate, with one run scored. I did strike out one player--looking--and turned a double-play, and only gave up one run. We took a lot of walks, which frustrated the other team, but what do you do? Go us.

Since you care...

...this is what I did Thursday.

• Woke up at 9am, after staying up until roughly 5am to watch "Roadhouse".
• Hit a bucket of golf balls with Alicia
• Went to lunch at Washington Square in White Bear Lake. Had a fantastic Carribean Jerk Chicken Sandwich, with sun-dried tomatoes, green and red peppers, lettuce, tomato, and a delicious salad. Of course, this phenomenal sandwich was washed down by 3 tasty Miller Lites. (Does my Jim Bruce impression come across in print/type?)
• Picked up my daughter, had dinner at Cossetta's.
• Brought her down to Eagan.
  
• Went bowling at Remory (Memory?) Lanes in the People's Republic of Minneapolis. More tasty Miller Lites, along with a giant plate of tater-tots (only $2, certainly the best deal there).
• 
  

Kickball

Little late with this one, but there's not much to say.

We missed the first inning due to the fact that I apparently don't know where Penn Ave. is.

We got there, not much happened.

Until the end, where the relief pitcher (yep, even kickball has strategy) dropped f-bombs at some of girls on our team, and was a general douche.

Oh well, we lost and went to Al's for frozen pizza and cheap pitchers of beer.

The Beatles may have broken up, but at least now there's Wings

Sadly, the Shampoo Your Mullet softball club has (temorarily) folded for this season. Instead, I now play for a coed team on Sunday nights, with my lovely girlfriend and her friends. We're called "Balls Deep", and the shirts are baby-blue. We're pretty sharp. The season started last weekend, but I was in Dallas, so yesterday was my Opening Day. I cruised through the first three innings, allowing 2 hits, one walk, and no runs. A four-run hiccup in the fourth, stemming from me misplaying a tailor-made double-play ball on a come-backer to the mound, ended up being the difference in the game as we waited until the 5th inning to score any runs. Those runs were the result of my 2-run "homerun" that was actually a routine fly ball hit to right field that was predictably misplayed by a rather large woman. Coed softball, baby! The other team got me for one more run in the bottom of the inning, then the drama ensued: I lead off with a single, Alicia beat out an infield single to second, then a guy (I don't remember his name) walked. Thanks to the magical sexism that runs rampant through coed softball, I went from second to home, Alicia from first to third, and Dude from the plate all the way to second, for one walk. This is done so that if a team walks a guy to pitch to a girl, the guy is automatically in scoring position and then the girl has to option of taking an intentional walk. Which the next girl did, loading the bases for us with nobody out and the score resting at 5-3, Team Transvestite (there were at least two legitimate cases on their team). Final score? 5-3.

A couple of notes on why I like this team over my previous forays into coed softball:

1.) Part of being a member of Balls Deep is the understanding that we are playing slow-pitch softball on Sunday night next to a humane society on fields with no fences. No one's a superstar, so there's no reason to act like one. There are no scouts watching us, so take it easy.

2.) The girls are good.

3.) The guys are hilarious.

4.) I don't have to play outfield--I'm pitching.

Tonight, I make my triumphant return to the kickball field after a two-week hiatus (one bye, one me getting back into town). The recap of the game, and, more importantly, my performance, will be posted either tonight or tomorrow.