Softball

Due to an unforseen emergency last night, I missed the Softball Opener. Little disappointed, but sounds like everything went okay. We split the two games, losing the first and winning the second. This, from Buege:

"Chad Buege: yep, good couple of games. We had 15 in the first game (5 in the top of the 7th to make it 16-15)Chad Buege: second game we won 10-9, 9 runs in the bottom of the 7th."

Next week I'll go over the books and have a detailed update chock full of stats for the first 4 games of the season.

Who's the MVP?

I still say Kobe Bryant, even though Nash got the nod. I think Kobe thinks so, too. Watch here. That's getting "posterized".

Hey Pete--

If reception=reption and remember-rember, then would September=Stember? "Uhh, just rember that we have that wedding reption late Stember."

EDITOR'S NOTE: I fixed the posting problem, so you can link Massive-Cock-Anal and anything else you like. Prefect.

Nothing Happening Here

I feel bad for Theiner and Rhiannon because I'm not wasting their time at work. I'm working 5 nights this week, so the pickings are going to be slim. However, softball makes its triumphant return this week Thursday, so there will at least be stats to post. In the meantime, here's something stupid from ifilm.com.




And of course, by stupid I mean Kirk Cameron. Theiner, you'll have to click
here in order to see it. But it's worth it, fo sho. Mystery's solved--God apparently exists, and he let us know by making bananas. Athiest's worst nightmare, indeed.

Laurel, a friend of Mandy (and me, but they're tight), just finished an interview and reading a couple of excerpts from her new book, Hope Haven, on FM 106.7. This was especially cool because a.) she was on the radio, and b.) I just found out last week that she's a writer.

She also runs Double Dare Press, an online magazine featuring local writers. She said on the air that they're looking for people to submit. Got writing chops? Send her something, and hopefully someone (other than your mom) will get to read it! I'd submit, but I gots no skillz.


Of course, we had an exceptionally difficult time listening to the broadcast because the Big Red Rocket of Love is having royal reception problems. In fact, BRRL has been having a lot of problems lately, many of which came to light after having work done to it at Valley Olds in Apple Valley. Here's a list:

1.) The reception (reption) for all stations AM and most stations FM is completely non-existent.

2.) The windshield wipers were incorrectly set so that they covered a minimal amount of space while crashing into eachother and eventually breaking.

3.) The sound from the DVD player is gone. All gone.

4.) The digital thermometer/odometer/MPG analyst no longer works.

5.) The interior lights no longer work.

The onboard computer was fried, so that's why it was taken in. It came back in worse shape than when it was picked up (wires were visibly pulled out behind the dash on the passenger side, with a panel laying on the floor on top of them.) The reception (reption) thing finally set it over the edge, as we had to park in the back corner of a HOM Furniture store parking lot just to make out the voices. So they'll be getting a call soon. Assholes.

Nice win last night. If only the starters could show up, we'd be rolling.

My fascination continues....

(I actually used to do this--but I was 12, so...)

Also, if you want to rock, click here. A couple of years ago, Mandy and Stacey bought sweatshirts that say "Gonads and Strife" with a picture of a squirrel's head. I should post a photo of that, 'cause it's real funny.

Easter Eggs

Because the girls are gone this weekend, we did it up Easter-style Thursday night. Here is photographic proof that I'm not lying (I'm not as good as Ben at snapping photos, but I think these turned out all right).

This is not Kool-Aid, no matter how delicious it may look. It's mainly vinegar and water.

(This is actually the best family photo we have. It's impossible to get everyone together at the same time.)

Nice eggs, ladies.

Bella's hand looks like Lou Ferigno from the old "Hulk" tv series. Mia's looks dead.

Picture this egg, 48 times over and differently colored, and you have the final results.

There's no price....

....for this kind of representation.



If I ever get into any legal trouble, I'm doing it in the South. Credit Potato-Salad Todd for emailing me this.

Mr. Fix-It

Take that, Pretentious Prick That Stole My Stereo! You can eat shit and die. Rember, bocce ball to the back of the head....(the point to all of this is to show off my handiwork. Stereo installation isn't all that hard.)

Break-Ins

Here's a history of my bad car luck:

1. My 1984 Honda Prelude was stolen from the Circus Pizza parking lot.
2. The transmission died on my 1985 Renault Encore in the Burnsville High School parking lot, leading a police officer to search it without my permission.
3. My 1992 Geo Tracker was broken into at a party in Wannamingo, Minnesota, leading to the loss of 120 cds.
4. My Tracker was rear-ended en route to a camping trip, but no major damage.
5. My Tracker was rear-ended on Highway 3 in Rosemount, totalling the car.
6. My 1993 Jeep Cherokee was broken into in the 5th Street Garage in Minneapolis, resulting in the loss of a 16lb bowling ball.
7. That same Jeep was broken into in the Grizzly's parking lot in the middle of the afternoon, resulting in the loss of a cd player, 135 cds, and my golf clubs.
8. My 1994 Toyota 4Runner was rear-ended and totalled on Cedar Avenue in Apple Valley, with my 3 step-kids and fairly pregnant girlfriend in the car (lawsuit pending).
9. My 1998 Pontiac Montana was broken into; nothing stolen, but the center console was smashed.
10. My 2000 Jeep Wrangler was broken into; nothing stolen, but the cd player had screwdriver marks on its side. (These last two occured on the same night.)
11. The same van was again broken into, and again had nothing stolen.
12. The same Jeep was again broken into, and again had nothing stolen. (These also occured on the same night.)
13. And finally, last night, the same Jeep was broken into, resulting in the loss of my cd player and 48 cds.

Notice how nothing is broken. This was quite a job well-done by someone who obviously knows what they're doing. What's even cooler is that this is the second vandalism/theft act in our neighborhood in a week. Earlier, some kids lit our alley-mate's garbage can on fire, and then hid in our treehouse in the backyard (for those of you who were here Sunday night, that would be Pete's new apartment). So I've decided that, with the nice weather and all, that I'm going to start sitting in the yard or Pete's apartment for a couple of hours after work each night, armed with cheap bocce balls, T-Ball bat, and a 6-pack of Hamm's and just wait.

Credit to Chad Buege for sending me an email containing only this picture. Extra credit if you can find Steve Ballmer. I can't tell which one he is, because he's not yelling "give it up for me!!!!!!!!!!"

In German....

..."Hassel" stands for "fucking" and "Hoff" stands for "awesome"!

those are child-bearing hips. But he's a boy. Weird.

You Can't Make This Up

(This was taken from ESPN.com's Jim Caple, Page 2)
These things can only happen to a Chicago team. The White Sox won the World Series for the first time in 88 years last season, but their reign as world champions didn't even last until Opening Day. That's because Japan won the World Baseball Classic, which Chicago manager Ozzie Guillen acknowledges makes Japan the world champ since "they're the last one to win."

Naturally, that isn't all Ozzie has to say on the subject.

"But now the Japanese people think they're good. Nah, they're not that good. Sorry," Ozzie said. "The [WBC] win was by the team that was prepared best. Japan and Cuba were better prepared than anyone else. They had more time to practice. The team was together a long time and the Cuban team knew it was going to play in the World Classic. But those two teams, they're not that good. They have maybe a couple players who are OK, but they play 162 games at this level, they might win 20 games.

"Ozzie talking s--- again, huh? But that's the truth. I know a little bit about this game. They think they're good. They're great, they play good baseball, fundamental baseball. They play great for one week, two weeks. But if they come over here we'll kick their ass. They play 162 games here in any division, they'll finish last. I don't want Fidel to get cocky about this s---, either. They're not that good."

Even though he manages the very team in baseball I hate the most, I love Ozzie Guillen. Maybe someday after Gardie retires, he can manage the Twins and it'd be like havingBilly Martin all over again. Here's to a losing season for the Sox, so we can get more gems like this.

Championship Game Thoughts

*this will be done in the style of Bill Simmons from ESPN.com*

8:17p.m.- Everyone, media included, seems to be a little disappointed that this is the final. LSU and GMU were the obvious darlings. TV got so wrapped up in that potential match-up that they totally forgot to beat to death the angles and storylines of John Wooden, Lew Alcindor, Dynasties, undefeated streaks, Tyus Edney and the O'Bannon brothers, etc.

8:30p.m.- Joakim Noah will block lots of shots in the NBA. The kid who's playing center for the Bruins will block lots of shots in the NBDL.

8:51p.m.- 27-17, Florida. By the time LSU scored 27, it was the second half.

9:04p.m.- Noah's already getting NBA leniency on traveling. He's a Big Man, so he's bound to travel, which is not his fault.

9:06p.m.- Nevermind, there's the 4-way split screen with UCLA Centers Past. I recognized Kareem, Walton, and Russell, but I didn't know who the third guy was. Why did it take CBS one hour into the game to call up memories of the past?

9:11p.m.- Loren Woods reference, and it wasn't as the punchline to a joke. (Blocks record--who knew?)

9:14p.m.- Mandy gave it her all, lasting 5 minutes watching the game with me. Not her fault, though--had to get up early with the baby, get kids ready, take all of us to a movie, and workout in one day. Plus, she hates basketball. Good Night.

9:15p.m.- 36-25 Florida at the half. Jannick Noah's kid just set the record for blocks in a Championship Game (5). He did it in the first half. Remember (or rember)--come draft day next year, his name is Joakim, hard J.

9:26p.m.- it's sad when bands you kind of liked when you were younger sell their singles to major corporations for commercial purposes. But since I don't like Everclear, hearing "AM Radio" on a GM commercial is just annoying.

9:29p.m.- Looks like Reddick didn't stop crying from the time Duke lost to the moment he recieved his Naismith Trohpy.

9:33p.m.- If my life ever has a halftime show, I want Dick Enberg to narrate the video montage of the first half of my life. He could read the Sweeney's Employee Handbook and make it sound interesting.

9:37p.m.- it's sad when bands you kind of liked when you were younger sell their singles to major corporations for commercial purposes. But since I don't like Jon Mellancamp, hearing an altered version of "Rockin' In The USA" to start the second half is just annoying.

9:45p.m.- after hitting something like 6 3-pointers against GMU, you'd think that UCLA would put a body infront of that white kid from Florida. He just hit another one.

9:55p.m.- 49-29 Florida, and Jed is officially excited. He just needs to remember that I wear a 7 1/8 hat.

10:04p.m.- Taurean Green could run point for the Timberwolves tomorrow and they'd be a better team for it. This kid can play.

10:06p.m.- Sloppy play by Florida leads to a turnover, giving UCLA a wide-open three. Which was missed. And of course, Florida hauls in the rebound and nails a three of its own. UCLA has no chance.

10:11p.m.- "Nagafuki Surprise" is a funnier Bud Light commercial than "Magic Fridge."

10:15p.m.- Inevitably, because I just said UCLA has no chance, here comes UCLA with the same pressure defense that ruined LSU. That, and Florida looks a touch cocky, and with good reason--in the last 30 seconds, there were three non-calls for Florida that were obvious violations.

10:20p.m.- Correction from earlier post: Bill Russell attended the University of San Fransisco, not UCLA. Apologies to Mr. Russell, a devout reader of this blog.

10:24p.m.- Finally! Old stock footage of John Wooden. Damn that took a while.

10:32p.m.- I'm wrapping it up. Congratulations Florida Gators, even though I hate your football team. And congratulations Jed Nieters, for winning the Sweeney's NCAA Tournament Pool. I'm sure we won't hear about it for the next three months.

*****coming tomorrow, some baseball top-fives*****

God I hate her.

What a Strange Weekend

Working Friday night was tough. Tough in one sense that I'm fully turning into an old man by getting really tired around 10:30, making a full shift hard to stay awake for. Tough in another sense that everybody in the bar sucked. Normally you have a bar full of sane, nice people with a pocket section of douchebags, but Friday night was the polar opposite. Jerk-offs everywhere, starting fights, drinking far too much, etc. The coup de grace for the evening started at 2:10 a.m. As we're trying to get everybody out the door, a guy comes up to Beth (manager) and myself and tells me to get him another Grain Belt. I told him that since it was ten after two, we were done serving and that they needed to finish up and leave. "Well, our buddy is leaving for Iraq tomorrow, so give him one more. " I rolled my eyes and let him know that no more beer was going to be served. "What the fuck? This guy is going to fight terrorists so that people like me can drink in a bar on Friday and people like you can serve me, and you're not going to get him one more beer?" It was at this moment that I almost lost my mind. But I held back: "look pal, if he's going to Iraq--voluntarily, I might add--then he believes that he's going to fight for certain rules. If he's fighting for the value of those rules, but not honoring the value of our rules, then he's a hypocrite." This is what I wish I would have said, but it came out more like this:

"I don't give a fuck where he's going or why. Finish your drink and leave."

Really put him in his place, that's for sure. He then went on and on about how they're spending so much money and that we're mistreating them, etc. By now it was 2:30 a.m. What makes people think that they run a place, just because they're spending money or going to war or there with a bunch of people? Oh well, to hell with them.

Nothing as fun as Spring Thaw! These were found, by me, in the back parking lot at work. They're minnows--ver dead, very much frozen to the ground. Not something you expect to see when you're starting your shift. Guess who got to sweep them up? No, it was me.

I hope to all that is holy that you're able to see what's going on in this picture. The world's lamest bachelor party came in Saturday night. Five guys, all wearing velour capes that look like they ripped them off from the Renaissance Festival, and velour Pope-style hats. When they first came in, I thought they were some of the Saint Paul Vulcans (some heritage group in Saint Paul that has to do with the Winter Carnival--they're the ones who got busted two winters ago molesting waitresses at Alery's). Here's the catch--there were five of them, but--get this--six hats!!!! What could they possibly be planning with the extra hat? Did one of their buddies get left behind somehow? Did a buddy die and they were carrying his hat around as an homage? Oh wait, they were using the extra to put on every girl's head that was in the bar so they could get a group photo. "Dude, Larry talked to so many chicks last night--check out the pictures!" If I was getting married, and my best man and all my friends showed up to take me out for my bachelor party, and this was the idea they gave me, I would kick them all out of my wedding and form a brand new wedding party. This was unbelievable. Between the fish and the freaks, I've decided that I'm going to start carrying a real camera to the bar with me, not just my crappy phone.

Finally, there was this nice kid and a girl who where sitting at the bar all night, getting pretty drunk for what I thought was no apparent reason. Turns out this guy got "dumped" by his fiancee on Friday and kicked out of their apartment on Saturday. Surprisingly enough, he was in pretty good spirits for being that drunk. His predicament got me to thinking of the Top-Ten Songs to Listen To After Being Dumped. Here are mine:

1. Bloodhound Gang - "No Hard Feelings"
2. Jayhawks - "Blue"
3. Stevie Wonder - "Sir Duke"
4. Ben Harper - "Another Lonely Day"
5. Puddle of Mudd - "She Hates Me"
6. William Shatner - "Common People"
7. The Beatles - "Let It Be"
8. Flogging Molly - "The Worst Day Since Yesterday"
9. Reel Big Fish - "Beer"
10. Marvin Gaye/Ben Harper - "Sexual Healing"

Maybe not in that order, and they may not be related, but I'd listen to that cd, fo' shizzle. What do you think? Let me know!